I miss it

I miss the days when the future was planned

When it seemed like better days were ahead not behind

I was so sure I was headed somewhere amazing filled with rainbows and sunsets a life so beautiful I would be able to smile to think of my luck

I’m so lost, so alone, so hurt and why? What happened? Where did I make the wrong choice? At what point did I take a wrong turn?

I remember being 17 and life ahead was full and bright the sadness soon to be a distant memory

But since than I have only had loss pain and so much loneliness

The rest of the pack is smiling their homes secure and safe, their babies laughing happily and I well I’m left behind

Alone, lost and confused. Was it my vanity or my pride perhaps my certainess that I would succeed? Or my boastfulness? Is that what created this pain? This hell I’m living in

Was I just too sure. Too certain I would have that did I talk bad of others or think down on others to cause me to fall so hard. I felt it was all going to be mine, the big home, the beautiful children, but maybe I am not worthy?And maybe God knows I don’t deserve?

Maybe I deserve this, nothing and no one. And maybe that is my fate to be alone to die alone

crystalannelizabeth XOXO

 

Crystal Pierce

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If Only

I look at your photos.
How you smile. How she smiles.
My heart aches, breaks. Splits in two and leaves me empty.

I know not that touch. That soft warm embrace a soft giggle an ooh an ah. In the ear that fills the life with utter and pure joyfulness.

I often wonder why not me? Why you?
Why are you blessed with such happiness and I am left in the void of nothingness.

I know love, I know how to love. I would love unbelievably. I am never given the chance to & am always on the outside looking.

I wish. For so many things. For green parks and little giraffes, pink little tulle dresses. Little fingers and toothless smiles.

To have and hold to smell the sweet scent of newness in my arms.
But nothing. I hold nothing. I have nothing.

No one ever offered me the opportunity, until now. And now I fear it is far too late for me. For anything of the such.

That life, the one filled with smiles and hugs. Laughter and sunny days chasing birds in the park are no longer in my stars.

I brace for the dark days. For empty nests and a future of only me. Of myself and a life of loss. Of lonileness.

If only. Things could have been different?

 

crystalannelizabeth XOXO

Crystal Pierce

Angels

Hurtling at a million miles an hour.

This is what it is like. Crashing. Ending???

 

I saw this coming. Saw that first of all. I am lost to the wonder of it.

The sadness of it.

Stare. think. no. I cannot even begin.

 

Why try to stop. I have pictured this moment.

The end of all things.

You. were here. wish you were. Here?

 

This is what death feels like. Bees in my head.

Knives in my stomach. Cut at my gut. My heart on the floor.

Did you REALLY just stomp on it??

I gave it as. A gift?

Can you give such a thing? I don’t think so.

 

Running in circles. Always fucking circles.

 

I look back, at what? Love? Happiness? A joke. On me.

 

By a Joker. A Midnight Toker. Ha ha ha. I laugh.

 

“It was funny?” She asked.

He told her, “Was it?”

 

I am uncertain.

I am??? I am Certain. I know nothing! I know me?

Maybe not, Nothing.

 

This is what it was like to finish it.

To be done, to fall to the earth, without wings.

I am unworthy of the Angels.

I am falling. Who will catch me???

will you?

or you?

 

 

Dreamcatcher: A Smudging

smudging

The other night I had a dream I was being smudged. What does this mean? What does it mean to you? Perhaps nothing? It means the world to me. Such a thing had never happened in my life time. Dreams were always just that, dreams. I’ll tell you what a smudging is, if you want to know?

Sometimes in my dreams I am on the Starship Enterprise being scolded by Picard or falling off the edge of cliff in an indistinct van, but this dream was so very different.

I stand in a room filled with white hopeful light. The edges blur in my mind as if I am watching this moment from inside a ball.

An elder man stands to my right staring down at the contents in his hands. In his right hand a sage bundle is stringed together loosely. The end burns black orange, sage smoke wafts up in billows of white filling the air. In his left hand he holds an abalone shell filled with the ashes.

He waves the smoke around holding onto the sage stick in small definitive movements of his ancient wrinkled hands, large and shaky.

The smoke fills my nose and it’s sweet pungent smell, calms me. It is lemony and fresh, but heavy and burnt. I feel it flow over me as he chants words I do not know, but understand. They are healing words he speaks in my dream. Here in the dream I speak the tongue of my Ancestors of Mother Earth. I understand him and he understands me, he heals my spirit because he can sense it is broken. Who has sent him to me? Who has asked him to come? This medicine man of my dreams. This great and wise ancestor. A Tsimshian Shaman from times long ago past, he knows not my world, but understands my pain.

A boy appears at my side. He was not there before. His age is in flux. He is two, no three, no five. He is taller than he was a moment ago as he towers over my left shoulder.

He asks me, “What is he doing that for?” as he points to the elder man before us still chanting, praying, healing me.

The smoke flows around us in circles as the elder moves softly around on his feet. Never breaking his chanting, his healing. Looking only briefly at the boy I see his face is blurred, his hair jet black and spiked up. He wears a black t-shirt. He stares at me, with eyes I cannot see. I cannot look at him, it hurts.

I look back at the elder still there his voice inaudible now as I answer his question “He is smudging me. Getting rid of the bad spirits, cleansing me. Purifying my mind and body so I can begin again, a new me. Free from all that bad.”

The chanting stops. It is over now.

I begin to stir and when I open my eyes it all just a distant memory. The day is sunny I am alone once again, but not entirely. I feel anew, I feel alive as if there is hope where there was none. I feel as if I have been cleansed down to my soul and all is clear. The future is bright and meant for good things. I will be a force of light, of hope.  I will move forward knowing my Ancestors watch over me, when I thought I was on my on.

They show me the way even when I am so lost I think I can never find it. They come to me when I need them most, even when I do not ask them too. I am never alone you are always with me. Thank you.

This is an actual dream I had this week and thought I would share with you all. I hope it somehow can bring you peace in your daily life if you are searching for such a thing. I do not believe we are ever truly alone, before this dream I did feel this was life’s great lesson, we are alone. I feel now though that I have been proven wrong. So tell me what do you believe?

 

All my relations

XOXO (crystalannelizabeth)

 

 

Finding Hummingbird now available in Paperback

 

I am feeling very proud. I have finally done it, at least I will know that there is something out there in the world that is physically made by my soul, my mind, my heart. I know that you might feel like this is a vanity publishing moment, it is not. I wanted to share something with you all. I wanted to put a piece of me out there in the world. Be kind and take it easy on me. This was done with love.

Finding Hummingbird a novel by Crystal Pierce

Being Canadian or American, doesn’t assure you an easy life. Most times many families here in this country are broken, by alcohol, drugs and/or abuse.
Foster children are the most vulnerable and the most affected by the above.
In my first novel I look into what it means to be raised by the system. Does having a loving and healthy family environment make all the difference? How do these children turn out later on in life?
I was raised by a product of the system, my father was a foster child. I hope you will consider reading Rachel’s story and come check out a short sample chapter at the below link and try and find out what you think about this issue. A portion of the sales of this novel will go to The Burnaby Women’s Shelter.
Thank you for reading this.

Find it at: XOXO crystalannelizabeth

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B018UH0J8M

New site theme

Hi there just a quick note, I decided that it is a new year and I need a new look. For my blog that is. I hope you like it, I am pretty pleased. It turned out lovely. Much less bright color and a lot more pretty.

I am going to be posting every 2 weeks and I will make a special tab when I figure it out for School Projects or In class assignments that are improving my writing, if I am allowed too have to check on that again.

Have a great 2016.

 

XOXO crystalannelizabeth (C.E. Pierce)

Back to school and workshops

Sorry I haven’t been posting lately. I have gone back to school studying the lovely craft of Creative Writing at The Writers Studio, SFU.

I’ve been having a lot of fun the first few days. Going to be an exciting year full of lots of new things to learn from some of the most wonderful minds.

So proud to be a student at TWS this year. Thank you Hiromi Goto for your Mentorship, Wayde Compton for your amazing work with this program and for all the Mentors involved. TWS is an amazing program and we are lucky to be involved with it.

I’ll make sure to post some of my work here during my mentorship.

I am also planning some amazing trips this next year so some life experiences could offer up some amazing inspirations, I hope.

Thinking Indonesia perhaps Europe.

As always I thank you so much for following my blog and I look forward to all of your amazing posts this year from your own blogs.

XOXO CrystalAnnElizabeth (C.E Pierce)

 

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